Cooking with Raine
by Hurricane Shirnen
Summary: Well, fans, I'm back! A cooking show in Genis' Face spirit. May be confusing for those who haven't beaten disc one. MINOR, MINOR spoiler from disc two. Hardly noticable. ;)


AUTHOR'S NOTE!

Me: Yes, my strangely loyal fans, I'm BACK!

Kvar: ...

Announcer: -in a bored tone- Cooking with Raine is about to begin. Please take your places.

Me: Whoops, it's about to start. I'll make this quick. I don't own Namco. Sucks, huh?

Rodyle: I'm selling clothespins and barf bags!

Me: Why?

Rodyle: Ahem. Cooking with **RAINE**.

Me: Oh. Yeah. On with the show!

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Announcer: -bored- And now, Cooking with Raine. Brought to you by Zelos' Special Tomato Sauce. _Mmm. Tomatoes._ And here's our host- Raine Sage.

Raine came on stage, wearing an apron with the words 'Wonder Chef' written on it. She walked to the middle of the stage and smiled at the audience, which was clapping as if it was confused by the sign that said 'Applause if you value your own life'.

"Thank you! Thank you! Now, I know we all love tomatoes-"

A mysterious man yelled from the audience, "I HATE TOMATOES!"

Raine glanced around, looking quite panicked. Kind of like Colette, when she thinks she broke the mana reactor they were trying to break, and.... stuff... Anyway.

"...Cream... Stew...?"

"YOU STINK! OUT LOUD!" the mysterious audience member said.

Coming to a revelation, Raine grinned across the audience.

"BEEF STEW!"

There was a stunned silence for a few moments.

"NOW I LOVE YOU AGAIN!!!!"

Raine made a face only describable like this: o.O;

"Um. Thank... You...? Now, cooking slave, bring me the recipe!"

There was a moment of silence, and then Kratos walked out onto the stage, very embarrassed. Looking at the audience, he said simply:

"I need the money..."

"Marvelous," said Raine, "But you aren't getting payed."

Genis came out of the audience and did that funny thing, you know the one, where he shakes his head and looks down at his hands? Yeah, that one. Good times. Gooooooooooood times.... Hem. Anyway, he did that and stuff.

"Er. Raine! I'm going to sit in the audience and make witty comments!" he shouted, as he ran back to his seat.

After a few seconds, the 'Wonder Chef' recovered and stared at the recipe. "Right then," she said. "It seems that we need:

Meat, any kind (that's kind of strange...)

1/4 Tomato (hehe)

1/4 1/2 1/8 Cup Powdered Sugar (mmm!)

And a pinch of Purple Satay."

Pukka-

Raine began to pull out a pot, talking like any other chef as she did so. "Well, we need a pot. And I have the BEST POT EVER! Hehe. It's the amazing 'CREAM STEW POT'! Yes, 'CREAM STEW POT'. The capitals mean it's good! We melt the bottom out and replace it with delicious 'CREAM STEW'. See, look at i-

''RAARGH!''

Suddenly, a random audience member disappeared into the depths of the pot, never to be seen again. Yay!

Hiding the pot, Raine stared out at the audience. "That... Didn't... Just... Happen."

Genis grinned. "HAH! YOU GOT PWN'ED!"

Maxwell appeared. "THIS SHOULD BE SLIGHTLY AMUSING!" he said, drinking prune juice and demanding social services money.

"You're just waiting to be witty by saying 'BAM', aren't you, Genis... As for you, Maxwell... Wait, wha?" Raine shouted.

Maxwell grinned. "Help me find muh teefs!"

Smiling sweetly, Genis replied to both people with one sentence and an exclamation. "No! Why would I do that?!" said Genis, while smiling sweetly. Smiling sweetly, Genis smiled sweetly. He smiled sweetly while smiling, which he was doing sweetly. This section is mostly to delay my sister from using the computer. No, you didn't just see that. Smiling. Sweetly.

Imitating her brother, Raine glanced at Genis, who was radiating so much sweetness with his smile she had to shield her eyes, which were making a face like this. -.- Hence the 'Imitating her Brother' comment. Yeah. I went there.

"Anyway," said the great healer (most of the time she cured poison from her own food), "We're going to do somethnig different with thi- GENIS! STOP SMILING SWEETLY! Now then. We're going to add the greatest meat of all time- Beef."

Lloyd smiled. "I TOLD HER THAT! I RAWK! WHERE DID I COME FROM?! AHAHA! KRATO- I MEAN, DA- I MEAN, KRATOS!" He quickly disappeared as quickly as he appeared, which is so damn fast that I didn't even comment on it.

The audience gasped. Like this. -GASP!- Heh. Yeah. GASP, PUPPETS, DANCE! YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME! DANCE FOR THE PUPPET MASTER! AHAHA! FEAR MY GODLY AUTHOR POWERS! I CAN DO THIS!

The audience members, with the exception of Genis and ???, transformed into small, fluffy kittens. Mew!

Genis looked side to side at the kittens and at the professor who was flaunting her salt shaker made with 'PORK CUTLETS'. "THEY'RE BOTH CRAZY!" shouted he, which is not a very good thing to say when you're under the control of the mighty author (please review). Who, by the way, doesn't use subliminal messages (vote quimby).

Raine looked at the subliminal messages and began to talk randomly. "...Okay, I'll use this meat I found in the road on the way here... Green means it's fresh, right?" She tossed the corpse of a random monster (a Abyssion, in this case) into the pot, throwing another corpse in after it. (A Pronyma, in this case.)

The audience purred. o.O

The pot also purred. o.O!

"Close enough," said Raine. "Now... A quarter of a tomato... Hmm. Let's add 5! Hehe." She threw the tomatoes in a pot. But one of them wasn't a tomato. It was a Pokeball! Whee! Pokeballs are cool! Conveniently, this one was empty. Just as convenient, cooked Pokeballs taste just like tomato. Kratos should know. Raine had him trapped in one. It was pure hell. It was worse than death. It was like being buried in the earth. Tomatoes destroyed his senses. No eyes, no ears, no nose. No tongue as well. The last one was kind of cool, because otherwise, whenever Kratos ate himself out every night, it would have tasted bad. Like a tomato. Yup. B )

Genis looked confused. He also went -.-. "What the hell was that, creepy author guy?!"

(Me: Just having a little fun.

Kratos: Pure hell...

Alicia Combatir: It's TRUE hell. . -vanishes-)

"...And... a 64th of a cup powdered sugar.... Let's add... 64 cups!" the teacher said, throwing the entire bag of sugar in the pot.

"I'm cool!"

"Meow!"

"...Ooooooookay then... Now. A pinch of purple satay... I don't have any purple satay! ZELOS! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Appearing out of nowhere, Zelos flapped his wings. Not angel wings, mind you. Made of feathers and paper mache, these wings sucked. "You need me, my sweet, voluptuous hunny who can't cook to save her life?"

"Erm. Go talk to a woman and get some purple satay...."

"Okay! Yay!" said the idiot chosen, walking into the audience.

And now, Zelos and the Woman: In Script Format. I'm going crazy. x.X

Zelos: Hello, my sweet, voluptuous hunny.

Woman: Meow.

Zelos: Now... Hand over the purple satay, gorgeous.

Woman: Mew.

Zelos: ... -kills woman and takes a barrel of purple satay, throwing it back to Raine-

Raine twitched, catching the barrel. "Ooooooooookay... Right... Now..." She chucked the barrel into the air, and cast Photon (LIGHT!) on it. It exploded, of course, and MOST of the powder landed in the pot. The rest landed on Kratos.

Kratos screamed. The primary ingredient of Purple Satay was, of course, tomatoes.

"Er. Yes. That was an interesting explosion. I MUST STUDY IT!"

Genis smiled sweetly and shouted "BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1"

Raine glanced at the audience. Most of the audience was playing with balls of yarn. Some were licking ???'s head. Genis was smiling sweetly.

"Okay... Genis, you're grounded." said Raine. Of course. Who else could it have been?!

"Crud." said Genis. Of course. Who else could it have been?!

The teacher looked at the recipe. "Hehe... Anyway... Now, we bake for... 30 minutes on the thing on top of the cooking box machine thing... 300 minutes would work better, hm?"

"That's okay logic," her brother said. "Why I say that, I don't know. -.-"

The mysterious stranger, henceforth referred to as ???, smirked. "That is just LOGIC. PEOPLE are not MOVED by LOGIC."

"MITHOS?!"

"MEOW?!"

The audience purred and played with balls of string.

Raine turned on the stove. "Shut up. All of you. We need to wait 300 minutes... Cut to five hours of commercials."

-Commercials! Damn, These're hot! Hehe.-

Announcer: Are you TIRED of BAD cooking PRODUCTS?!

Announcer: Have you ever heard something like this? I know I have. BAD enunciations. BAD, BAD, BAD! Anyway, if someone annoys you like this, blow them up!

Announcer: Have you ever heard something like this? -commercial goes on and on-

Announcer: Wait! There's more!

Me: I don't care!

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Genis: -.-!

-This message brought to you by the federation for Genis' Face. Make time for Genis. Make time for you.-

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-5 Hours Later...-

Announcer: -still bored! Wow!- And welcome back... I'm NOT Tom Brokaw.

Mithos frowned. (The original text said 'grinned', but that makes no sense. o.O) "I'm a superior half-elf! Why does everyone treat me different?! INFERIOR WORMS!"

There was a large -POOF- of smoke, and the Wonder Chef appeared. "I'm here to teach you how to make- HOLY SOUP! WHAT IN THE NAME OF PAELLA IS THAT?!"

A large, semi-sentient blob came out of the cooking box thingy. "RAGH."

-THWACK-

Raine was standing by the stew blob, holding a blobby staff. "IT'S DONE TO PERFECTION! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARVELOUS! HEHE!"

Mithos and Genis made o.O faces. This was hard for Genis, as he was already smiling sweetly x7, and going -.-. Anyway. Should I go on the Pokeball rant again? No? Shame. I liked that one... ANYWAY.

Raine seemed to have gone insane from the fumes of the cats in the audience. "LET'S DANCE! x768544! HEHE!"

Genis smiled sweetly. This was NOT unexpected. "Let's!"

Mithos made a WTF face. Like this. ?.? "WTF?!"

Rodyle popped up. This does NOT bode well for this story.

The semi-sane teacher grinned. "SING THE COOKING WITH RAINE SONG!"

Rodyle looked up through his purple biker glasses. Did you know? During the Uncle Game, one of the guys looks like Rodyle. Me and my sister discovered that that is a REALLY good way to- never mind.

"I'D LOVE TO! SEAWATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, oh, oh.........

Cooking with Raine...

Cooking with Raine...

Who wants Cream Stew?

Cream Stew! Ew!

That's what YOU say!

But I say YUM!

Buy Raine's Pots!

Buy Raine's Pans!

Buy Raine's Yams!

Kept in Cans!

Cooking! With Raine!

Cooking! With Raine!

This is a one-shot!

I'm not from! Ukraine!

WTF! Did that have! To do with anything?

I! Don't know! So I'll continue! To sing!

Cooking? With RAINE?

Cooking? With RAINE?!

Who wants Raine's food?

It sucks!"

Raine thanked Rodyle. In thanking someone, did you know you're 75 more likely to implode in a horrible peanut butter incident?

"SERVE THE DAMN FOOD!" shouted Genis. "THE CATS ARE EATING MY EAR! OW!"

The teacher collected herself.

-Raine gained the title of 'Teacher Collector'!-

"Er. Genis, stop whining. You have no ears. You're grounded for a week. No Presea priviliges.

(Doesn't that sound wrong? Ew. Ehehe. I was tired. It was 2:00 AM, and, well, these things get to you. XD)

Raine began serving the food. Genis and Mithos began eating the food. RUN, GENIS! RUN, MITHOS!

"It's like there's a mob party in my mouth," said Genis, "And they're all shooting the walls!

Mithos, however, had died. "Farewell, my shadow... You who stand at the end of the path I chose not to follow... I will, hopefully, not choose this path again. You didn't eat the stew. Lucky bastard..."

Lloyd appeared. "Goodbye..."

Looking at the havoc (and corpses), Raine sighed. "Well. There's not gonna be another show for a bit... Tune in next time (there won't be a next time XD)! To 'COOKING WITH RAINE"!

Lloyd smirked. "The capitals mean it's special!"

The official little brother jumped in front of the camera. "If you value your life, DON'T."

"Has anyone seen my torso?" said Regal.

The audience purred.

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Me: My first one-shot! Yay! Who liked it?

Raine: I FOUND THAT HIGHLY OFFENSIVE!

Me: Good! You keep Kratos in a freaking POKEBALL!

Raine: How'd you know about that? I DEMAND A DUEL! GO! RODYLE! -sends out Rodyle-

Rodyle: Rodyle! Rodyle!

Me: Well! I choose you! ARCHE -sends out Arche-

Arche: Ribbon! Ribbon!

Raine: ...

Me: Please review!

Rodyle: Rodyle! Rodyle! SEAWATER!

Arche: Ribbon! Cless! 3

Lloyd: ......Mithos....

Me: Oh, yeah. Stephanie, Tim, the photon comment was for you. ;)


End file.
